Queer Eye for the Miami Guy
by wyntersun
Summary: Horatio Caine faces his biggest challenge yet... Getting a make-over from the Fab Five!
1. Prologue: The Letter from Bravo

**TITLE:** Queer Eye for the Miami Guy  
**AUTHOR:** wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126  
**SUMMARY:** Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!  
**RATING:** FRT, T  
**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.  
**A/N:** With all the craziness in an episode of Queer Eye, I have been inspired to answer my own question, "What if Horatio had the makeover?"… So bear with me, it's all craziness here. All stuff here are basically the stuff suggested by my friends who'd love to see Horatio do this, have that, and wear such. All QE info are provided by my close friend, Shanie, so if proven erroneous, just tell me, and I apologize in advance. Plus, I'm a H/C shipper, so there's shippiness ahead. You have been warned! Ciao and enjoy!

* * *

_Queer Eye for the Miami Guy  
__Prologue: The Letter from Bravo

* * *

_

_"Lieutenant Horatio Caine_

_Day Shift Supervisor_

_Miami Dade County Crime Lab,_

_Miami, Florida_

_Good day and congratulations!_

_You have been chosen by our network to be in our reality makeover show, "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy". Our show features the Fab Five, men who "change" the lives of other men by giving them advice on how to look good, act good, live good, cook good and dress good. _

_You have been suggested by Mr. Eric Delko and Mr. Timothy Speedle, both of which introduced themselves as a part of your team. Also, please note that the Fab Five and our crew will be coming to your residence on Febuary 28. _

_Rest assured that our network pays for all expenses._

_Thank you, and once again, congratulations."

* * *

_

The red-haired lieutenant walked past by his fellow Forensic scientists, not minding their puzzled looks or worried expressions. His mind was only focused on one thing; to look for two members of his team.

e spotted the duo; the tall, dark and fairly handsome CSI and the curly haired man with a physique that matches a contented investigator. Both were making their morning cups of coffee, while laughing about their discussion.

But they won't be laughing at what they would hear from him.

Horatio Caine entered the break room; the letter clutched in his hand, and showed an expression, which his team only sees when he confronts a criminal.

"So the girl comes up to the nerd and says, 'Hey, do you know where Silicon Valley is?'… God, that was the worst joke I have ever heard in my life!" Eric Delko said as he took another sip of his coffee. Tim Speedle merely shrugged his shoulders. He gazed at the floor, only to see a faint reflection of Horatio, whose "hands-on hips" position has suddenly morphed into a "hand-balled-into-knuckle" status. The two CSIs could only exchange nervous glances.

"WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT!" Horatio bellowed. Both CSIs started to stutter words, seemingly trying to explain what they have done, but all would seem useless if you saw your supervisor looking at you as if he would murder you in a few seconds.

Eric still looked nervous to explain. Speedle was the first one to bottle up his courage (or what was left of it), and said, "It's a part of the plan H…" Eric advanced his arms into a defensive mode, and followed, "For Calleigh's party… Speed and me thought that…"

"We'd just give you over to the Fab Five for a make-over…"

"A _harmless_ make-over…" Eric said, emphasizing on the word "harmless".

"Just to get you all prepared for Calleigh's birthday!" Speedle finished.

Both of them could only look at Horatio, in such a manner which both mixed anxious to know what their boss had to say, and a pleading look which clearly said "Please don't hurt us!".

Horatio raised a lecturing forefinger, prepared to let all his rage be released to the two. But instead, he sat down the chair and asked in the calmest way he can, "Does anyone else now about this?"

The duo looked again at each other as if to say, "Oh boy…" Eric sighed and said, "No one else…" Horatio's eyebrow formed a menacing arch as Speedle shrugged and said, "Except for Calleigh… Well, sort off…" Eric interjected in and added, "We were making the plans and… Who ever knew Calleigh watches Queer Eye for the Straight Guy? We joked about it… And said that _we'd_ be helping you prepare for something important."

"But she doesn't know about the party we're giving her?" Horatio asked.

"Uh… that's the bad news…"

Horatio's look of evil just jumped into a higher level.

"Well, genius here," Speedle said while pointing at Eric, "Did not ensure the safety of the party portfolio… So, Calleigh got a full look at it…"

Eric looked at Horatio apologetically, and said, "Well, Calleigh was touched. And pretty much said that a small eat out in some restaurant would be enough… And I pretty much… _Blabbed,_ that we already had it planned. She _appreciates_ it H."

"So she knows _everything_…" Horatio said as he stood up.

"Yeah… Pretty much."

Eric and Speedle looked at their boss with much anticipation. Given the situation, Horatio had nowhere to go. He HAD to agree on what they had set up for him. But the situation alone seemed to only budge Horatio a little bit to agree. They needed the precise words to totally push Horatio to the edge.

"Think about it Horatio… This make over might just be the best birthday gift Calleigh would probably receive."

Horatio looked at Eric with uttermost anger. He released a heavy sigh and started to walk away.

The two CSIs had both of their shoulders drooped. They knew they were defeated. In a few minutes, Horatio would call and tell the network that there was some huge mix-up.

Horatio's head reappeared in the doorway and said, "If this doesn't work, I swear, your asses are gonna be in BIG trouble…"

They both waited for him to be in a safe distance. Both of them had triumphant smirks in their faces and exchanged high fives. "It worked! I can't believe he actually agreed to this!" Eric said as he emptied his cup of coffee.

"And you know what this whole thing tells us?" Speedle asked. Eric smiled as Speedle continued.

"Something's brewing with H… And Calleigh…"

_end_


	2. Meet the Fab Five!

TITLE: Queer Eye for the Miami Guy

AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126

SUMMARY: Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.

A/N: With all the craziness in an episode of Queer Eye, I have been inspired to answer my own question, "What if Horatio had the makeover?"… So bear with me, it's all craziness here. All stuff here are basically the stuff suggested by my friends who'd love to see Horatio do this, have that, and wear such. All QE info are provided by my close friend, Shanie, so if proven erroneous, just tell me, and I apologize in advance. Plus, I'm a H/C shipper, so there's shippiness ahead. You have been warned! Ciao and enjoy!

_Queer Eye for the Miami Guy_

_Chapter One: Meet the Fab Five!_

The blonde haired guy positioned in the passenger seat flipped a portion of his bangs away from his eyes. "So who's our next victim?" he asked.

A geeky looking guy right behind him replied, "_Victim_ should not be used to describe our next guy…" His roughly handsome friend beside him agreed. "His name is Horatio Caine… _Lieutenant_ Horatio Caine…"

"Oh… I like men with add-ons on their names…" a guy with Latin looks commented.

"He's the day shift supervisor of the Day Shift Miami Dade Police Department Crime Lab… Whew… That was pretty long…" Carson Kressley, the blonde haired guy said. "He has a serious look on his face… Is that natural?" the driver asked. "It must come with the job… He's in charge of one of the premiere crime labs here in the U S of A. And…."

"And he and his team mates are planning a birthday bash for one of their own… Cal-leigh… Du… Kuesne?" the geeky guy, Ted Allen, said, with much effort on the name.

"I think it's pronounced as _Calie Du-caine _Oh! Look at the two guys!" the Latin Jai Rodriguez, remarked while pointing at Tim and Eric. "Hahaha, smarty pants… Eh, you're right! Look- worthy…" the driver, Thom Filicia remarked. "So what's our mission?" Kyan Douglas, Ted's seatmate asked.

"We need to get our Lieutenant revved up for this party. Everything, from his looks, the attitude, the food and the crib…" Carson declared. "That's why were here!" Kyan said.

"I don't know… I'm getting the feeling this guy needs only minor help…" Ted said

Cue in the music

dingdong

Horatio sighed and braced himself. He knew that the people who rang the doorbell would be the Fab Five. "Breathe Horatio… You can _go_ through this." He thought to himself.

He opened the door and Carson came in. "Hello there… I assume you are Horatio wha!?" Carson grabbed his shirt and acted like he had a heart attack. When the rest of the Fab Five came in, they all acted like they were in the state of shock. "It's… It's… It's clean!" Kyan remarked as he observed the living room. Everything in it was _organized_. Picture frames and decorations were properly arranged above the sound system. CDs and DVDs were _not_ in disarray, as what the Fab Five have experienced before.

"Halleluiah!" Carson hailed, as they observed more of his house. "A straight guy who actually cleans… I am amazed…" Kyan remarked.

"This house however… Is just so… _Plain_" Thom said as he sat down the couch. "I'm an organized person…" Horatio reasoned out. "Well, a plain house does not qualify as a party safe area." Thom explained. Jai was looking at the pictures and said, "Is it me or is Horatio keeping a safe distance from people?" Ted and Thom looked at the pictures and nodded in agreement. All the pictures showed a variety of events that involved Horatio's team. The picture, which caught the attention of the three, was a taken during a Christmas party, judging from the fact that Tim and Eric had green and red Christmas garlands circled around their necks. Calleigh and Alexx Woods were smiling while opening their presents. Horatio was standing alone in the food table, distracted with the chaos that the four CSIs were doing that time.

"Is he planning to eat the whole table?" Thom asked. "Maybe he's just… Experiencing solitude?" Ted said inconclusively. "Well, now I know what I'm gonna do to our straight guy…" Jai said as he straightened himself.

"Horatio! Come up here!" Carson yelled. Apparently, he and Kyan were upstairs, rummaging through his stuff, more particularly his clothes and his bathroom.

Horatio entered his room, the cul-de-sac of the cul-de-sac. Carson was searching, and observing through his room. "Horatio… Although I am amazed at your organized life… Although, I must say… I cannot comprehend the fact that you… You have a _plain_ wardrobe! Honey, this is not good on your status…" True enough, he had his work clothes neatly arranged and hanged, separated from his ordinary, house clothes.

Carson closed the closet, with a look that seems to be satisfied with what he saw.

Carson's next target was the drawer. He opened it and gave out an audible gasp. "Guys! We have found something unexplainable here!" he yelled.

The others started entering the sanctuary of Horatio's bedroom, and Carson showed the rest of the Fab Five the contents of Horatio's drawer.

"It is systematically organized!" he declared.

"Whew… That's tough… Looks like you're job here is done Carson!" Ted joked. Horatio let out a small smile. "Not exactly… I mean, your guy maybe organized, but he lacks structure… Physical composure…"

Horatio looked at Carson and asked, "Huh?"

"Aww… Our straight guy is confused… How cute… You should be confused a lot more often!" Carson commented with a smile. Horatio replied, "Unconfuse me. I'd be better."

"Accessorize darling… You need more 'bling bling' in your wear." Carson explained as he reached out for Horatio's sunglasses that were beside his alarm clock. "You mean to say that sunglasses aren't enough?" Horatio asked. "Honey, turning sunglasses into head bands, neck braces or… Whatever, does not qualify as accessorizing." Carson explained.

"I can also see that you are monogamous… You do not buy anything that is not Calvin Klein…" Carson said as he fished through the drawer. "Are you the boxers or briefs person?" he asked Horatio as he held out a pair of each. Horatio felt his face flush as he said, "Either!" and made a grab for his unmentionables. He stuffed both in the drawer and closed it, all dignity forgotten.

"If you excuse me, I need to interrogate our straight guy for a few questions…" Kyan said as he grabbed for Horatio's arm and literally dragged him over to his bathroom. "Interrogate away." Horatio said blankly as Kyan was looking at the assorted products that were in the medicine cabinet.

"Looks like you know your poison Lieutenant. And I must say, out of all the straight guys we've changed? Seems like you're the best of the best!" Kyan said as he observed Horatio's face. "Thank you." Horatio said plainly, and feeling uneasy as the guy in front of him as examining him. After all, he was used with the fact that he was the one doing the examining, not the other way around.

"So, here's what I've intended for you. A day in the spa… A few minutes peace and quiet… Just to get you un… Unstressed, if there was such a word… And maybe, we can suggest a few more products for you, or we could remove some of these, which I feel may not be necessary… Is that alright with you?"

The explanation was pretty long, which was weird for Horatio since he was used to long explanations. But in those cases, he knew what was the general topic; it was all forensics, all the time. This time however, was of a totally new (and generally not your average day topic). All he could say was, "Sure. Fine with me…"

Horatio went downstairs to ensure the safety of the things he left there. Pretty much, he saw Ted ransacking his refrigerator. "You have a nutritious menu here Horatio…" Ted said as he closed the door and looked around the kitchen. "Nutritious?" Horatio repeated. As far as he could remember, his daily menu consisted of take-outs. Ted shrugged and said, "I understand your predicament in your day to day life… So yeah…"

Ted sat down and gestured for Horatio to sit down across him. "State your name and menu for tonight's party menu for the record…" Ted said in a serious tone. Horatio couldn't help to let out a smile and a small laugh. "Yeah I know, I watch to many cop shows… So, what's it's gonna be tonight?"

The flaw to the plan suddenly reoccurred to Horatio. Add the fact that he felt stumped about the simple question. What was the menu for the party?

The Food and Wine connoisseur sensed that the Arson/ Explosives CSI was temporarily paralyzed. He offered a small hint for him; "What does Calleigh want?"

A light bulb went on inside Horatio's head. "Well, she likes Fettuccini Alfredo… And she likes sweet stuff… I think she likes the mix of caramel and chocolate cake…"

Ted clapped both his hands together and said, "Then Fettuccini and cake it is! The drinks would be?" He then laughed and said, "Geez, I'm sounding like a waiter here…" Horatio smiled and asked, "Won't soft drinks be enough?"

"Well, that would make it _too_ party themed. Maybe other drinks like iced tea?"

"That sounds great!" Horatio said.

"Company form!" Kyan yelled. Ted and Horatio stood up and walked to the living room where everyone else was settled in.

"Ok, so we're gonna prepare Horatio for tonight's event… Which means… He'd be going with you guys?" Thom said.

"Aye!" said Carson, Kyan and Ted altogether.

"And we'll be getting things done here…" Jai said as he noticed Horatio's worried look. Carson put an encouraging hand on the worried lieutenant's shoulder "Don't worry… It's in good hands…"

Thom smiled and added the assurance to Horatio's worrying mind. "In _very_ good hands."

"Whaddya say H?" Kyan asked.

"Let's go then…" Horatio replied.

"Let's motor then guys!" Carson said.

behind the cameras

Speedle, Eric and Callrigh stepped down from Eric's pick-up parked outside Horatio's house. T.V trucks and vans were outside, thus making the three conclude that everything that was happening inside was already being filmed.

"I guess we can wait for H here… Outside…" Speedle said. Eric shook his head and said, "No need, look…"

The trio looked at the door where three of the Fab Five members were rushing out. The last one was Horatio, who was wearing a plain white polo shirt and plain khaki pants.

"Calleigh?" Horatio said to himself, causing him to miss a step of the stairs and making him roll down the front yard. "Whoa Nelly… You alright Horatio?" Ted asked as the three of them assisted the lieutenant to his feet. Calleigh and the boys rushed to their boss to help him, and maybe more.

"Yeah, I'm fine…" Horatio said as he dusted particles of his shirt. He turned to the three members of _his_ team and asked, "What are you doing here?"

"Support I guess…" Calleigh replied. "And maybe just to see a couple of things we don't usually see…" Eric followed. Horatio shrugged and said, "There you go…"

"You guys must be Tim and Eric…" Carson said as he extended out a hand of friendship to the three, who shook the hands of the Fab Three. "Yes we are…" Speedle said.

"We appreciate what you guys… Will be doing to Horatio today…" Calleigh said.

"No problem honey… We're just doing or job…" Carson replied.

Kyan started, "Five gay men…"

"One straight guy at a time…" Ted finished the Queer Eye motto.

A burly member of the crew approached the gang and asked, "Do you guys want to reshoot the scene?" Horatio seemed to have answered for everyone when he replied, "Of course we will…"

"We are not the channel for embarrassing straight men… Are we?" Carson followed.

"Uh… Guys?! We have a problem here!" someone from the TV crew shouted.

_End._


	3. Confessions in the Hummer

TITLE: Queer Eye for the Miami Guy

AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126

SUMMARY: Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.

A/N: I was going nuts since the diskette where this chapter was located suddenly went MIA, when suddenly, a black Hummer H2 passed by. (Hummers are extremely RARE in my side of the globe… I don't even think they sell Hummers here!) The Lord God smiled at me and struck a ray of light in a part of my room. AMEN! I added a few more weirdness in this chapter… So, this part has a lot of craziness than the usual. In addition, a brief Gil Grissom is mentioned here, along with events that happened in another fic, "_Queer Eye for the CSI" _by Anne, from the , a G/C fic site. All the stores mentioned here are _fictitious. _Any similarity or resemblance to actual places is entirely coincidental. _Pardon moi._

_Queer Eye for the __Miami__ Guy_

_Chapter Two: Confessions in the Hummer_

behind the cameras

"What's the problem?" Carson asked.

"The mini-cam in the car's broken… It's just a minor problem…We're fixing it."

"Fixing is not quite the term… Calvin got a shock just from fixing it…"

"Might take a few… Hours?"

"Hours?" Kyan repeated. This was the last thing their show needed; a _minor _problem.

But this was the one thing Horatio has been praying forever since they came. Just a small glitch, not too big… It's not that he wasn't used to the cameras, he faces them all the time especially when big time criminals face the wrath of the lieutenant. However, he was not used with the whole Miami population seeing how he'd change in the hands of five gay men.

"How about the Hummer?" Horatio offered.

Carson smiled and said, "An officer and a gentleman… Now this is my kind of guy!"

Eric and Speedle tried to stifle their laughter, but all ended in vain. Calleigh, who was between the two, nudged them both hard in the ribs. Horatio however, smiled at the trio and said, "Well, I just figured out that this whole thing… Has a schedule and… Well, there is the…"

"A Hummer is spacious… Very nice… When do we get to go?" Ted asked as if he was a five-year-old kid. "I'll just get my keys…"

Horatio went inside his home and went straight to his bedroom, where he saw Thom measuring the walls.

"Hello Horatio… Finished with the spa?" Thom asked as he went down the ladder and folded it. "Not yet… Need help with that?"

"Over there… Window side…" Thom said as Horatio moved the ladder. "You're nervous, aren't you Horatio?" Thom asked as he pulled the push-pull tape he was using. "A little… I have an organized life… I don't think it needs more organizing…" replied Horatio. He reached for his sunglasses and saw Thom on the verge of smiling. "You think that your organized life needs not to be reorganized? Horatio, even the organized NEEDS to be reorganized. You can't stick into complete sense of order in life… Sometimes it still needs a pinch of chaos… Am I even making sense enter your brain?"

Horatio smiled and said, "Yeah… I get it…" He put on his shades and waved good-bye to Thom. "Be careful! Good luck!" Thom yelled.

"Oh… He's got a rather sexy way of putting his shades on… And a nice butt to add!"

Horatio ran to the Hummer where three gay men and three CSIs were waiting for him. They were talking or laughing, probably at something he's not normally used to.

"Here's our straight guy! Let's motor!" Carson said. Horatio opened the doors of the Hummer and surprisingly, he opened the door to let Carson in.

"Why, thank you handsome…" Carson said as he entered the Hummer. At this point, Calleigh couldn't hold it any longer. She let out a laugh and was letting her hand hide it in vain. The duo, whose laughs were ringing left, right and center, was now ringing along with Calleigh. Horatio now looked serious, hands-on-hips and all. "Please stop guys…"

Calleigh stopped laughing, and so did Speedle, but Eric was having a hard time to control the in-between snorts that seemed to be emerging every time he was on the verge of completing a serious look.

"You can do this H… We trust the Fab Five, American straight men trust the Fab Five… And so will you!" Eric said as he gave a light pat to Horatio. Calleigh came forward and hugged Horatio. "You're gonna be fine Horatio… Handsome…" Inside the Hummer, the three members of the Fab Five gave an "Aww…" in unison.

"Thanks Calleigh…" Horatio said softly as he walked towards the Hummer. He went in, rolled down the window and waved one last good-bye.

"Let's go guys…" Calleigh said as she walked to the pick-up.

Eric and Speedle just stood at the spot.

"What about us? Horatio forgot to thank _us_!"

Horatio was driving towards "Le Fashione de Miami", Carson's suggestion for a place to shop for clothes. But the traffic was slowly creeping up, and the Hummer, along with the TV van, was stuck in the morning traffic.

Carson observed Horatio from head to knee (as far as his field of view was concerned). He was simply _dying _to ask just an itsy, bitsy question… He had to ask!

"Horatio, don't you ever get a tan?" Kyan asked from the back. As far as being the Grooming Guru of the Fab Five, he was doing a great job. Carson had a small, quick second frown, but then again, it was one of the millions of questions he had in mind. "Well… To be honest, I don't know… I mean, I've been in Miami ever since I was a kid… I was wondering about that myself…" he answered.

"Do you want to get a tan?" Kyan asked. Horatio shrugged and said, "Aren't you the one who's supposed to be answering that?" Kyan simply smiled and said, "I'd like to know what the straight guy thinks…"

Sensing that the conversation was over, Carson moved in for the kill.

"Horatio, do you have anyone special in mind?"

"I'm divorced." Horatio said plainly. Bad move for Carson. He bounced back to the arena by asking, "No, I mean to say is someone who just makes you feel good, despite your job… I am just asking this out of curiosity… And observation… So don't arrest me or whatever!"

"What makes you say that Carson?" Horatio asked, his sunglasses slightly off place so that his eyes could be seen.

And for the first time in Queer Eye history, Carson has actually ran out of words to say. Ted seemed to be in the same wavelength as Carson's and said, "Well, majority of the guys that we give a make-over are doing it for their 'special someone'… And they follow our advise, just for them… And maybe for the guy's welfare as well…"

"I'm just doing this for… Just to have a new look for my team…" Horatio replied. But the Carson had a weird feeling that the lieutenant was only telling half of the story.

"Really? I thought you were doing this for Calleigh…" Carson said.

And that did it. Horatio was letting out a small, trademark smile, and he felt his cheeks blush. He saw Carson smiling at the corner, so he immediately responded, "No! It's nothing like that! Honest!"

"Horatio, with the number of the straight men we've changed, I think we know the 'Yeah-I'm-Doing-This-For-My-Honey' smile…" Carson said, as he placed a caring hand on Horatio's shoulder. Kyan gave a friendly pat on Horatio's other available shoulder and said, "So we now know that you are guilty as charged…"

"I mean, come on Horatio! There's nothing wrong with having a relationship with your co-worker…" Kyan continued. "I don't have a _relationship_ with my ballistics expert…" Horatio insisted.

"_You_ don't have a relationship with _your_ ballistics expert? Sounds like possession to me…" Carson reasoned.

Ted joined in the discussion and said, "Do you guys remember another CSI that we changed? Gil Grissom? The one in Las Vegas?"

"Oh yeah… Daddy Gil…" Carson said thoughtfully.

"The bug guy…" Ted said with uttermost disgust.

"Well, he and Catherine are now married, and Gil finally had the courage to propose… Courtesy of our fab tips and tricks!" Kyan said proudly.

At the red light, Horatio glanced at the three. It was as if they could read minds, or at the sane level, they could expertly read body motions.

"You guys could keep a secret, right?" Horatio asked.

"Of course honey! Unless it's a juicy one or I am tortured to tell it." Carson said in reply.

"Forget it."

"Nice going Carson!" said an annoyed Ted

"Oh come on! Don't be a spoiled sport. Do tell us!" followed Kyan

"Please?" Carson said, complete with the batting eyelashes and puppy dog expression.

"You swear you won't tell anyone?"

"Yes, I swear to cashmere clothing…"

"And to the good facial products yet to come…"

"And to the ever beloved pasta in Italy…"

Horatio, Carson and Kyan looked at Ted. "What?" Ted asked. "Good pasta _does_ come from Italy!"

Horatio drew a deep breath and said…

"I do have feelings for Calleigh…"

The three started to grumble. Horatio had a weird expression and asked, "What now? What do you want me to say? That I love Calleigh? Come on…"

"Well, yeah… That would be nice…" Kyan said in reply. Carson followed the train and said, "And the one we were expecting…"

Horatio steered to the right and said, "Well, I did have feelings for her… But then she started going out with Hagen… So we're friends right now…"

"Friends? _Only_ friends?" Ted asked.

"Who is this Hagen person? We'll strip off our gayness for a few minutes to beat the hell out of this Hagen for you Horatio." Kyan said with a smile.

"Well you did say she started going out with Hagen…"

"John…" Horatio mentioned the irritable first name.

"Whatever. It's still ugly if you ask me… Horatio is better dontcha think? It exudes finesse and class… Anyway… You mentioned it in the past tense… Meaning they are no longer a couple and therefore, you can do your thing!" Carson concluded.

"You're good with your grammar today Carson…" Ted commented.

"I thanks yous…" Carson replied.

Horatio gave a small laugh. He then explained the things that happened; the minute Calleigh broke up with Hagen since she felt that they weren't quite compatible, and the number of days the two of them spent some time together.

"Now you see… That's how relationships start… With a few talks here and there… And some nice things… And you'd end up in a beautiful relationship. Not friendship like that in Casablanca… Relationship Horatio…" Carson explained.

"No… I just want to give Calleigh some space…"

"A year and a half is _way_ too much space Horatio." Ted said.

"Whatever… I said it all, so you guys have to keep your end of the deal… Keep it a secret"

"Of course we will! We are certainly not tattletales!" Kyan confirmed.

"On my oath, or may stores run out of decent men's wear for a millennia."

"Or may wine shops sell cheep booze" Ted followed.

Horatio let out a small smile, and wished that whatever they were saying to him right there and then, were all true.

End.


	4. Tsuzing, SpaHopping and Shakeing!

TITLE: Queer Eye for the Miami Guy

AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126

SUMMARY: Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!

DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.

A/N: O…Kay… So I'm no expert at the Fab Five's areas of expertise… (But I keep their tips in mind! Sometimes…) and the Queer Eye book is still in my brother's wretched paws… So I am kinda stuck with suggestions from friends… Shame on me! An author who lacks Queer experience! sniff Also, ALL of the stores here are fictional, any resemblance to actual establishments are entirely coincidental. Enjoy anyways!

_Queer Eye for the Miami Guy_

_Chapter Three: Tsuzing, Spa-hopping, and Shake-ing!_

The interviews

_Tim Speedle: the Co-Worker_

_ "Horatio's the next best thing to sliced bread… He looks out for us, the team… He is committed to doing a great job…" _

_Eric Delko: the Co-Worker_

_ "At first look, it seems that he's in total control of his lifestyle… But we thought that he still needed a little help… So…There!"_

_Calleigh Duquesne: the Co-Worker_

_ "Horatio's a great boss… Great guy… Great man…The world would be a better place if there were more men like him…" _

In front of the cameras

Carson, Kyan, Ted and Horatio stepped down from the Hummer and entered Le Fashione de Miami in a running motion.

"Welcome to Le Fashione de Miami! Probably one of the best places here in the south where you can find dashing clothes at an affordable price…" Carson announced with a smile as they entered the store. "You sound like a product endorser…" Horatio said. "Indeed I am!"

"Ok, so, let's move around here… Horatio, look for whatever you fancy… And we, would look for what ever we fancy for you!" Carson smiled as Horatio replied, "That sounds cool…"

Carson and the gang browsed the wide variety of men's clothing, giving each other suggestions and matching up the clothes they found.

"No… These pants look good with that cashmere sweater…"

"Ted, it doesn't even snow here in Miami and you expect him to were a _cashmere sweater?_"

"It was just a suggestion…"

"Oh yeah… This shirt looks good on him…"

"Alongside these pants…"

"Ah finally… Ted understands our man's needs…"

"Where's the leather jacket… Ah, there!"

"Forward troops! To the leather!"

They went to the leathery goods section of the store, where leather of all forms and sizes were present. Carson picked up a brown leather jacket and asked, "Wouldn't this look good with the plain white shirt?"

The two men nodded in agreement. Carson sighed and said, "Leather… The sexiest wear of all… Now where's Horatio…" He scanned the premises for the red-haired lieutenant, and his eyes almost popped out of their sockets when he saw Horatio in the…

"Oh no… Not plain wear… HORATIO!!!"

Horatio almost jumped out of his skin when he heard the yell. As Carson walked to Horatio, he made an "tsk-tsk" sound to show perhaps, his disappointment. "Now Horatio… Did I not tell you to _stay away_ from the plain wear? Do you want me to arrest you for committing crimes of fashion?"

Kyan came to Horatio's rescue. "Uh, actually… Carson, you never said anything about that…" Carson's military officer look changed to that of a pre-school kid. "Really?"

The three nodded in unison.

"O-kay… So now I've said it and don't you ever do it again!"

The four walked towards the dressing rooms, with Horatio carrying the load of clothes that they chose for him. He laid them down a couch, and then Carson started explaining;

"Okay… Try this denim pants, this round collar shirt and this leather jacket on for size… And if you need help in unbuttoning, don't hesitate to call us!"

Horatio looked at Carson weirdly, laughed and entered the dressing room.

"He's got a sexy laugh…" Kyan commented.

Inside, Horatio couldn't help looking at himself. Half of him felt weird, seeing himself wearing… _Leather_… Something he swore in his distant past to never wear. On the other hand, he had to admit… He was nice to look at with leather clothing.

He showed himself to the Fab Three, and he got gasps of awe and disbelief in return. Carson clapped his hands once and said, "There you go… Isn't he better in _unplain_ clothes?"

"Carson, there is no such word as unplain…" Ted said in a matter-of-fact voice.

"I'm compiling my own set of vocabulary words… Word number one… Unplain!"

Carson circled Horatio like a flying vulture above its prey. "With this, you can pretty much introduce yourself to Miami as an easy going guy, instead of the usual CSI with your 'uniform'… Not only that, you show other CSIs as well, that you own one nice, and hot, ass!"

Horatio laughed and said, "Thanks, Carson…"

"You are very much welcome Horatio!"

Horatio tried on different clothes, ranging from khaki to denim, from suede to cotton. Each time he'd go out of the dressing room, he couldn't help but to feel… _Sexier by the minute…_

The left Le Fashione de Miami after two hours, and their next stop was…

"The Spa of the Orient… It's a very nice spa where, I suggest Horatio, you should regularly go there and unwind…" Kyan started. Then he offered a list of the spa's services and explained each. Horatio couldn't quite stomach in the service called, "The Back Cruncher".

Kyan reassured him. "Oh, don't worry Horatio… We're not going to try that…"

"We?" Horatio repeated.

"Yes… We as in, you, me, Ted and Carson!"

Horatio could only gulp at that comment.

The foursome went inside the silver gate of The Spa of the Orient, where a brunette greeted them. Kyan got them a spa package, which involved an invigorating, fifteen-minute massage on all the body parts, a ten-minute lathering session of aromatherapy oil and a foot spa.

Horatio changed into nothing more than a short, wrapped himself in a towel. Kyan was waiting for him outside and lead him to a room where Carson and Ted were already inside, lying down on separate massage beds, with two ladies massaging them.

"Oh yeah… That's nice…" Ted murmured as the masseuse massaged his shoulders.

"You know, this would be much nicer if we have men surrounding us…" Carson said. Ted nodded in agreement.

A blonde masseuse smiled at Horatio and led him to a massage bed. Horatio looked at the masseuse as his thoughts told him that she slightly resembled Calleigh. He lied down and within a few minutes, he felt utterly relaxed. He felt as if all the troubles left, and he felt easy inside. The fifteen minutes seemed like hours, as he left the room smiling.

The lathering session proved to have taken it's toll on Horatio, as the scent of the oil and the candles helped him unwind some more. The massage made Horatio swear to himself that he must do this at least once a month…

The foot spa was basically the opportunity for the three to ask Horatio, how was his day going so far.

"It's going fine… This day is great… I feel like a million bucks!"

And that was enough for Kyan.

After the spa, Ted directed Horatio to…

"The nearest grocery store?" the three asked together. "No wine shops?" Carson asked. "Now Ted, that's very unusual of you…"

"I am going to instruct Horatio about the party…" Ted replied.

Horatio parked the Hummer outside a grocery store, which was a few meters away from the next place they were going to visit, according to Carson.

Ted led Horatio to the Produce area, where he gave him a crash course on food. He then showed him the ingredients needed for his Fettuccine Alfredo. Ted also got Horatio the basic tools of cooking, because he sensed that Horatio only had a few.

After which, Ted showed Horatio fruits and said, "I'm afraid that we can't go with the iced tea plan as proposed… So, we'll be substituting shakes… I do hope that you have a standard blender in the house…"

Horatio thought for a second or two, then replied, "Yeah… I think…" Ted clasped his hands in prayer and said, "Please, may Horatio have a blender in the house… Oh please, oh please, oh please…"

"Anyway, so I ask you now, what fruit would you like to serve?"

"I always liked melons…" Horatio said thoughtfully.

"Then melons it is… Horatio, you better have a blender in your house, or I may have to kill you"

"Not a chance…"

"Oh yeah… I forgot who I am dealing with…"

After paying for their merchandise, they walked to Cabrera Jewelers, apparently, the next shop in the itinerary. Finally, Horatio felt comfortable with a place he was familiar with. Maria Delko, Eric's cousin, worked there. Eric and Horatio usually picked up a few items for Maria.

"Now Horatio, I will teach you the fine art of accessorizing… The good thing about Cabrera Jewelers is that they have upgraded their merchandise; from the classic bling-bling, to the modern day bling-bling. Just choose between the two…"

Horatio looked at the variety of jewelry, showcased inside glass boxes.

A dark-skinned woman behind one of the counters walked towards where Horatio was observing and said, "Good morning sir… And how may I help you?"

Carson, who was now beside Horatio, said, "Hi there… What would you suggest our friend here?"

Maria smiled and walked towards a few glass displays. She brought out a velvet casing, to which Horatio knew all to well. It was one of the jewelry Eric and Tim were joking around with Horatio. It was a plain, silver pendant letter, "H", on a black, thick nylon cord.

"Oh that's nice… Go ahead Horatio! Try it on…" Carson carefully picked up the necklace and gestured Horatio to turn around. He put on the necklace, and pointed at the mirror. "It looks nice on you Horatio…" Maria smiled and nodded in agreement. "Yes, indeed it does…"

"Hey guys! Over here!" Ted said and waved over to where he and Kyan were. Carson walked over, while Horatio removed the necklace and gave it back to Maria.

Kyan was pointing excitedly at a gold charm bracelet. The sign below it read, "Personalized at Request".

"What do you think Horatio?" Kyan asked. "It would be a nice gift to Calleigh!" Ted added behind him.

Another attendant showed up, and Carson asked, "What more charms are available here?"

"We have zodiac signs, letters, numbers and other precious gem stones…" the attendant answered.

"That would be nice…" Horatio said, smiling.

Carson gave the go signal to make the bracelet, then the attendant presented a sheet of paper where they were supposed to write what charms would be used. Horatio chose a "C", "D" letter charms, and two amethyst gemstones. Horatio even drew the design for the bracelet.

"It would only take a few minutes…"

"Sure… Horatio… Let's go to the Chocolaterie right across the street… For the cake we'll be preparing…" Ted said. Horatio was looking at a few more jewelries as he said, "Give me a few more minutes…"

Carson sighed, pretended to cry, and said, "Bless our straight guy… He has learned the fine art of accessorizing! I'm so proud…"

Little does Carson know that Horatio was about to negotiate to Maria, about something else…

"Did it arrive as planned?" whispered Horatio. "Yes… As you designed…." Maria replied. She was about to reach for the drawer, when Horatio motioned her to stop and said, "This is between you and me… I don't want them to know…"

"But Horatio… Whatever you would purchase would be paid…"

"Yeah… I know that… _I_ would be paying for this… Make this a private transaction, ok?"

"Anything for my cousin's boss… And a friend of my friend… Or maybe something more?" Maria teased.

Horatio just winked at her.

_End._


	5. Dancing and Redecorating I'd rather be i...

TITLE: Queer Eye for the Miami Guy

AUTHOR: wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126

SUMMARY: Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!

RATING: FRT, T

DISCLAIMER: I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.

A/N: O…Kay… So I'm no expert at the Fab Five's areas of expertise… (But I keep their tips in mind! Sometimes…) and the Queer Eye book is still in my brother's wretched paws… So I am stuck with suggestions from friends… Shame on me! An author who lacks Queer experience! sniff Also, ALL of the stores here are fictional, any resemblance to actual establishments are entirely coincidental. Enjoy anyways!

_Queer Eye for the Miami Guy_

_Chapter Four: Dancing and Redecorating? I'd rather be in a Crime Scene_

* * *

The interviews

* * *

_Tim Speedle: the Co-Worker_

_ "The only problem with Horatio, is that his house seems… Too white… And plain!" _

_Eric Delko: the Co-Worker_

_ "His house needs serious redecorating… Fab Five, do something!"_

_Calleigh Duquesne: the Co-Worker_

_ "Every time we'd go to Horatio's home, it would seem that the only things that would change there are the decorations and the clothes he wears…"_

* * *

In front of the cameras

* * *

Ted was sadly surveying the line of chocolates inside the Chocolaterie when Horatio came in. "Your friend, Tim Speedle, called a few minutes ago… He asked me if you already have dessert for tonight… Then I heard some commotion in the background… Apparently, they were making the cake… "

Horatio showed a weird look to Ted and said, "Oh yeah… They were the ones who were going to make that..."

"I was really hopping that you'd be making the cake for our birthday celebrant…" Ted sighed then pretended to sniff. "Oh white chocolate… Don't look at me like that… It hurts… " He reached out for Horatio and said, "Hug me Horatio!"

Horatio was about to move out of Ted's way, but he still received the queer bear hug. For what it was worth, Horatio gave Ted a few friendly pats on the back.

Ted snapped out of his pretend sorrow and cheerfully said, "Anyway, after Tim, Thom called as well. He's taking you to The Master's Bedroom so that you can choose what you would like for your home!"

They heard rhythmic knocks against the Chocolaterie's oak door and saw Thom and Jai outside the window, vigorously waving at them. As the two left the Chocolaterie, Thom asked Horatio, "So, are you ready to pick out your new furniture?"

"New furniture?"

"Yes darling, new furniture… Just to replace your old, plain ones…"

Horatio looked at Thom as if he was a CSI that told him, "The prints don't match"

But of course, Horatio knew the ordeal he was in, so he couldn't say no.

"The car's cam still not fixed?" Kyan asked as Ted, Thom, Jai and Horatio were nearing the Hummer. Jai just shrugged in reply. Thom explained to the ones who were present that the whole time they were out, their crew couldn't solve the problem.

"Oh well… Our turn to ride in the Hummer!" Jai said excitedly. The Fab Five exchanged good-byes and simple reminders and soon, Horatio, along with Thom and Jai were on the road.

* * *

"Are you excited to see the changes in your house Horatio?" Jai asked. "Well…" Horatio said as his voice trailed off. To be honest, everything was okay for him so far… But the minute he heard Thom utter the words "new furniture", he couldn't quite shake the dominant feeling of worry. The word "redecorate" never occurred to Horatio Caine's mind; gun shot residue, projectile, trajectory… these would be the terms he was certainly familiar with.

But _redecorate_?

Horatio saw Thom's anxious face in search of an answer, so he quickly replied, "Uh, yeah… Pretty much…"

"You are going to love it! I can pretty much guarantee that! If you're not satisfied however, you can take Carson." Thom joked. "Me! Pick me instead!" Jai followed. Horatio heaved a heavy sigh. He wasn't sure if he can even make it through the party with out his mind fluctuating the levels of sanity.

After parking a few meters away from the store, the three walked, with Thom leading the way. Without a warning, Jai dived for Horatio's free arm and said, "Let's pretend we're a couple shopping for furniture for our huge, Miami-overlooking condo unit!" Thom playfully slapped Jai, "Leave the scaring the straight guy business to Carson!" Horatio felt a huge release as Jai let go and pouted at Thom. He would be very much comfortable if it were Calleigh saying and doing what Jai had just presented. However, he couldn't shake the feeling that the whole Miami Police Force, (and even his arch nemesis, the county's accounting department) would be laughing their asses off if (and when!) they see this on TV.

"Here we are at The Master's Bedroom, where they concentrate on bedroom furnishings, but they also made way for a few other furniture too!" Thom said as he opened the door. They went straight to the bedroom section, where beds of all sizes were elegantly displayed.

"Now Horatio, I noticed that your bed, no offence meant buddy, seems to be… Uh… A tad too little for your physique. I mean, do you even get to stretch your legs in that small space? So now… Pick a bed in which you _will be_, I repeat, will be comfortable with… NO SINGLE BEDS!"

"Can he test the beds?" Jai asked. Thom nodded in reply. Horatio was already meters away from them when Jai whispered at Thom, "Fifty bucks, I bet Horatio's gonna get a king-sized bed."

Thom raised an eyebrow, then replied, "Oh really? As Design Doctor, I'm betting he's getting a queen size."

The two men firmly shook each other's hand, the common sign that the bet was sealed.

Horatio looked at every single bed in that section. He was _single_, after all, why shouldn't he get a single bed? It wasn't as if he was sleeping with anyone!

However, Horatio saw a very, _very_ _comfortable_ queen size bed. He sat down in it, and even playfully jumped up and down. Out of the blue, he thought he heard Calleigh's playful laugh, and boy, was he surprised when he saw a faint scene of himself, _and Calleigh_, laughing and _lying_ in the bed. At a distance, Thom gave Jai a triumphant smirk, as they both brisk walked to Horatio, with Jai yelling "Queer pile!"

The duo jumped on top of Horatio, laughing and getting their own pillows. Pretty soon, the threesome was having a pillow fight, with Jai "pouffing" Thom in retaliation of his loss and Horatio grabbing two pillows only to protect himself. When Horatio managed to escape the war zone, Thom and Jai started fixing themselves. "Very nice choice Horatio… The Madame Marithe design by Loridale is actually the choice of couples in the Miami area…" Thom commented as he let Horatio lie down the bed. "That sounds interesting… Any plans for tonight Horatio?" Jai asked with a mischievous tone.

"I just want to get through tonight safe and sound… Then maybe sleep peacefully." Horatio replied.

"With someone?" Thom asked with his famous raised eyebrow.

"I… Am not sure…"

Jai practically yanked Horatio's arm and said, "Let's check out the home entertainment set!" And off the three went to the said section. Horatio observed the various designs, while Thom explained the importance of having a "socially acceptable" home entertainment set.

"It also gives plus points to the ladies…" Thom said as Horatio was observing the Lorica design in front of him. Horatio looked surprised at his comment, while Thom could only give him his look of innocence.

* * *

"Shall we dance?"

That question was too much for Horatio. Thom and Jai led him to "Miami Footloose", a small school in the area, which teaches both the young and old the fine elements of dancing. The only thing was… Lt. Horatio Caine does not dance. Never, not in a million years.

"So Horatio, do you know how to dance? Just some quick basic steps maybe?" Jai asked as he led the nervous Horatio to the center of the studio. "Uh, maybe… But I have two left feet; I swear…" came the nervous reply.

"Nonsense. No one should think of himself or herself having two left feet. Besides, dancing with someone with two left feet usually leads to some playful fun!" Jai said. Before Horatio could give a reply, a young brunette walked in, and Jai introduced her as Elaine. "She'd give you a crash course in dancing… Now Elaine, Horatio said that he was somehow familiar with dance steps…"

Elaine smiled at Horatio and said, "That's good! It's nice to know that some men can still dance. So Horatio, what dance steps or dances are you familiar with?"

"Uh… Samba… Tango?" the lieutenant replied. For the whole time, Horatio kept his hands inside his pockets, thinking that without his hands, nobody can teach him how to dance.

"Ok, then, come this way, and let the crash course begin!"

Within the hour and a half, Horatio did nothing but to look at his feet. The first hour, his feet were getting all tangled up. Jai was covering his eyes while Thom had only one eye opened to see what was going on.

As Horatio fell on his butt for the tenth time, the duo rushed to him and helped him up. Jai sighed and said, "This is not working out…" Thom followed the suit and said, "We need to get him a partner… So that Elaine here can teach instead of dancing _and_ teaching at the same time."

"An excellent suggestion Thom! Wait right here…" Elaine said as she left. Horatio sat down the floor, obviously exhausted. "Three words. Two left feet." He said as his body gave up from the stress and made him lie down the studio floor.

Thom patted Horatio's hair, as if he were a dog, and said, "You'll get used to it… Eventually…"

Horatio managed to smile, as his eyes darted up to the door, and saw… Calleigh?

Now he knew that fatigue, or maybe simple, just simple, plain anxiety was taking it's toll.

Elaine returned, her presence made known as a blonde haired woman in her late twenties followed her. Horatio immediately sat up, fixed himself as Elaine introduced Ashley. "She will also help me to teach you the few steps… Let's start again, shall we?"

As Elaine was guiding the two, Horatio was somehow getting the whole point. Why shouldn't he? When he was sort of confused, Ashley would smile and whisper the proper procedure. Add her Southern accent and charm… He felt as if he was dancing right there and then with Calleigh.

So far, his feet did an excellent job with cooperating, while the Thom and Jai managed to squeeze in and dance with Horatio. As Horatio gave Jai a final dip, Elaine clapped her hands, praising Horatio all the way. From a far, a few rounds of clapping were heard; the rest of the Fab Five apparently joined in. Carson and Ted were mock dancing, with Ted biting a rose. "Good luck with tonight's party Horatio", Elaine said as a reply to the "Thank you" she received from the lieutenant. "

"I just hope I have enough luck to get through these guys…" Horatio said as he pointed to the Fab Five.

TBC

* * *

I apologize for the late update… Blame it on school, exams, and the stupid thing called love. grins 


	6. 4point5 When CSIs go naughty

**TITLE:** Queer Eye for the Miami Guy  
**AUTHOR:** wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126  
**SUMMARY:** Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!  
**RATING:** FRT, T  
**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.  
**A/N:** Thank you so much for the reviews! I really appreciated them, considering the fact that I had doubts about this fic at first.

* * *

_Queer Eye for the Miami Guy  
__Chapter Four(point)Five: When CSIs go naughty

* * *

_

"El magnifico!" Eric Delko said as he kissed his fingers and raised them to the air. "Yeah, finally… After all those near blow-ups? I'm lucky I'm still alive." Tim Speedle sarcastically followed. "This cake still needs some tszujing, you know."

"Did I just hear you right? Did you just use the word 'tszujing'?" Eric stared at his partner in crime. "As if you don't watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy…" Tim replied. He then started to spread the chocolate icing on the two layers of the cake. Eric just sighed and got the vanilla icing, and started to write "Happy Birthday Calleigh!" on the top layer, after Speed was done with it.

"And you don't know the term 'tszujing'? Get real Delko…"

* * *

After placing the cake inside Eric's huge refrigerator (Speed still can't comprehend _why_ Eric owns one), the two sat down the lounge area to rest. "So, what did you get or Calleigh?" Eric asked. Speedle let out a smirk, and grabbed for a box on the adjacent chofa (not much of a couch, not much of a sofa). "My friend's niece was selling 'made-to-order' plush dolls for a fund raising project. The niece didn't stop _marketing_, so I was forced to have five of these made-to-order plushies. Pretty good actually, worth every dollar…"

Speed then showed him the plastic box; inside were five plush dolls, with all the members of their team. The plushie in the center was unmistakably Horatio, in his usual pose; next to his right was Calleigh and Alexx, to his left was Speed and Eric. "Hey…" Eric said as he pointed at his plushie counterpart. "It does not look anywhere like me!"

"Yes it does… See? It even has you trademark, lopsided grin!" Speed said as he pointed at the smiling plushie. "Ha, ha, ha…." Eric sarcastically laughed.

"Well, what's your gift?" Speed asked. Eric then showed his gift; a die cast scale model of the Hummer H2. Speed looked at the model and saw the familiar sticker of the CSI logo. "Customized?" Speed asked.

"No, actually… This one's from Valera, who got this from the cadet that was playing motorbike with the lab chairs and crashed into Horatio…" Eric explained. Speed smiled at once when he remembered that incident, especially since it somehow gave them more evidence that Calleigh cared for Horatio…And vice versa.

"Well, he was about to crash into Calleigh. Only proper for Horatio to move her out of the way." Speed said as he returned the gift to the giver. "You think those two got a little something-something goin' on?" Eric asked.

"With those two? We don't know… But still… We have evidence to back-up our findings!" Speed said as the two fixed themselves and their gifts. "I was just wondering… Calleigh…. Hagen… Those two?" Eric asked as he wrote his birthday greetings down a card.

Speed was hopelessly banging a ball pen on the counter when he replied, "Nah… Actually, Hagen's trying to _rekindle _the flame… But… No luck I guess…" Eric extended his pen to the frustrated Speed, who had just thrown his pen in anger. "You know, we gotta do something… These two have something… _Something _between them… They just need a good push…"

Speed looked at Eric as if he had just said something insane. "Well, if _you_ figure something on how to do that, then call me… I'd be more than willing to help." Speed replied as he placed his gift carefully inside a gift bag.

"You shouldn't have asked Speed… You shouldn't have asked…" Eric said with a menacing grin on his face.

Speed noticed the CSIs look of pure genius, or evil, whichever was appropriate for the occasion.

"Oh no… No way… No way Delko! You ain't dragging me into your _foul_ schemes!" Speed made a quick grab for his gift, but Eric stopped him. "You said you were willing to help!"

"That…" Speed raised his hand "Was sarcasm, you dummy… You need to take English lessons?"

"Come on… You already volunteered…"

Eric gave him the "you-better-join-in-this-scheme-or-else" look. Speed sighed heavily and said, "Fine, fine… But if my ass is whooped two times harder than I expect from H, I swear…"

* * *

Smirking from the victory he had over Speed, he motioned Speed to follow him, as he got his keys to his pick-up. Pretty soon, they were both inspecting prepaid cell phone kits inside the mall.

Speed curiously asked, "What're the phones for?"

"Speed, let's go back to where time was young… Our minds were full of joy and worry free…" Eric started as he pointed at a Nokia 5510. "And prank calls were the only source of joy…"

That was it. Speed made it official.. "You have completely gone out of your mind! How can prank calls help the two?"

"In some ways more than one… We just have to remove minor glitches…" Eric said as he proceeded to buying _two_ phones. He handed Speed the other one. "We're prank calling Hagen and Yelina. I'm taking Hagen."

"That's it mister… You're giving me Yelina? Do you know she can take me apart in seconds when agitated?" Speed said as he pushed back the phone to him. Eric raised his eyebrow and asked, "What's wrong with you?" He took both phones and the two walked back to the parking lot. "Just in case you forgot what _our_ professions are, may I remind you that we're CSIs, and we have the high end technology to track down these calls?"

Eric merely laughed. "Seems like you don't know the fine art of prank calling"

The frustrated Speed went inside the pick-up and said, "I am the _master_ of prank calling, for your information. I was _the_ best… Yet my ass was whopped every time I was caught."

Eric snorted as he started the ignition. "Some master you are…"

* * *

"Look, we'll just call 'em, then dispose of the evidence. Simple as that!" Eric said as he opened the phone kit. He inserted the SIM card then handed it to Speed. "As if nothing happened."

Speed looked at the phone, then at Eric, then back at the phone. He took the phone, as Eric smiled at the fact that he had brought Speed over the dark side. "You better hope this works." Speed said as he punched some buttons of the phone. "If you're _that_ worried, I'll write down a full script for you, even right down the directions to where you can throw the phone afterwards."

"You may have won the war, but you haven't won the battle…" Speed said as he pocketed the phone. Eric laughed as he asked, "Is that how the saying goes?"

"No, but you better be prepared." Speed gave him a somewhat _threatening_ glare.

"You are gonna right down some script, right?"

Eric looked at Speed, as the two laughed and started preparing for the big party that night.


	7. Redefining Horatio Caine

**TITLE:** Queer Eye for the Miami Guy  
**AUTHOR:** wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126  
**SUMMARY:** Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!  
**RATING:** FRT, T  
**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.  
**A/N:** Thank you so much for the reviews! I really appreciated them, considering the fact that I had doubts about this fic at first.

* * *

_Queer Eye for the Miami Guy  
__Chapter Five: Redefining Horatio Caine

* * *

_

The interviews

_Tim Speedle: the Co-Worker_

_ "If Horatio goes through this in one piece, it's official; he's the toughest guy in Miami." _

_Eric Delko: the Co-Worker_

_ "Everyone in our department has high hopes for the new and improved Horatio Caine. Go H!… Uh, sir…"_

_Calleigh Duquesne: the Co-Worker_

_ "This is not only Horatio's life changing experience, but maybe the whole team's as well."

* * *

_

In front of the cameras

* * *

After the dancing lessons, Thom, Kyan and Carson left for Horatio's home, to do some last minute modifications. Horatio then requested to Ted and Jai if they could just lounge inside the Hummer for a few minutes; his feet were positively killing him. Ted felt very generous at that moment, treating the two ice cream sundaes as an ice cream truck passed by. He even fought skin and bone through the kids who were also there for some ice cream. Jai was laughing as Ted was struggling to get away from the crowd of kids without destroying the ice cream's presentation. Horatio managed to let out a small smile.

"For all that its worth…" Ted said, almost breathless after his ordeal.

* * *

"Admit it Horatio, you're liking how this day is going so far…" a soft voice in the lieutenant's head whispered.

"''Course he did… He's been pampered by five gay men…" a gruff voice sarcastically countered.

"He's doing it for someone… Aren't you Horatio?" the soft voice continued, not minding what the gruff voice said.

"Hell no, he's just doing this to get back at the two after all this is done… He'll kick their asses afterwards!"

"WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH HERE!" the soft voice suddenly yelled, somehow matching the decibel of the gruff voice.

"MAKE ME!"

"LETS GET IT ON!"

* * *

Horatio sighed as he made a left turn. Even his subconsciouses were fighting it out. He himself couldn't solve this one; what was the _real_ purpose of this whole thing? What was going to happen to him afterwards? Could he make it through one day without thinking of the perfect retaliation for Speed and Eric?

"You'll be surprised to what Thom has done for the house Horatio…" Jai said suddenly, stealing Horatio away from his reverie.

As if on cue, Horatio saw his house from a distance. A few hours ago, he was nervous about the whole party for Calleigh. Now, he was nervous about his house and what these men have been doing to him.

"Cover the straight guy's eyes!" Carson said as he emerged from the front door. Without warning, Ted followed the order, as the three led him inside.

In the total darkness, Horatio could only pray.

* * *

"SURPRISE!" the Fab Five yelled altogether.

"Holy…"

Horatio stared at his surroundings. It seemed he was dreaming, that he was in some fancy place that was nowhere near his house.

"So Horatio… How do you like?" Thom asked.

"Amazing… _Simply amazing..._" was the lieutenants reply.

The Fab Five exchanged looks and mental high fives. Thom stepped forward and showed Horatio around his home. "I redesigned your whole house, but still left pieces of you, just in case you might feel like, you know… You're one of us?" Thom laughed as he sat down the new couch.

"I bought this for you, it's a Jurgen Meyer Wrap Round, and there's your Lorica Home Entertainment shelf… This living room, hopefully expresses the visage of Lieutenant Horatio Caine…"

Thom then led Horatio into his dining room, which was now noticeably adjacent to his kitchen. "The Mathau Dining set seats 5 people… You might ask what the four extra seats are for… But just think of it as looking into the future… Unexpected guests, new girlfriend, and then a few kids…" Horatio let out a smirk as Thom continued, "Which I hope, won't be happening some time tomorrow lieutenant…"

The two went upstairs; Thom seemingly excited to show Horatio his new bedroom.

"Ta daa!" Thom exclaimed as he opened the bedroom door and Carson already lying down the bed. "Nice isn't it? Just exclude Carson from the observation Horatio…"

"Hmph!" came in Carson reply.

"Anyway, here's your Madame Marithe bed… And here's your old side drawer, I just tszujed it to make it better. Here's also a new desk lamp, I figured out that you might read your case files or… whatever before you go to sleep!" Thom then pointed at the new addition to his room, a three foot navy blue plastic drawer. "I put some of your _personal _stuff that's been lying around your closet… I arranged it according to degree of straight guy importance… The top drawer is empty though…"

"What's it for?" Horatio asked.

"Porn. It seem you don't have them Horatio… You hide 'em pretty good!"

"You're just not looking that well enough… Fashion's up next!" Carson declared.

* * *

A few minutes after, Horatio emerged from his walk-in cabinet, in denim pants and a blue shirt, the Fab Five (minus Carson), seated on his bed.

"This Horatio, is what you wear when you just want to strut around Miami, your mind free of crime scenes et al… It's simple and plain, unless topped with the leather jacket, which makes you the personification of the heat of Miami…" Carson imitated a sizzling sound and then ordered Horatio to move on to the next outfit.

"You now see our red-haired lieutenant in our evening ensemble, coat and tie, with a very, very nice and not to mention comfortable pair of pants…All courtesy of Armani… Now, as I understand it, the party attire for tonight is semi formal right? You can wear this, then have this bling from Cabrera Jewelers…"

Horatio looked at his reflection in the mirror. Kyan seemed to have shared his thoughts with Horatio, as he questioned the Fashion Savant. "Isn't it a little odd? An evening ensemble with a modern day bling-bling?" he asked.

"Helloo? We're not living in the scruffy, old school era anymore! What straight men should think is to stand out on special nights! Not to look like everyone else in the room…" came the "logical" explanation. "Don't you think so Horatio?" Carson continued.

"Uh, I think so…"

"Oh dear… Our straight guy is confused… He's so cute!" Carson remarked as he absent-mindedly pinched Horatio's left cheek. Carson quickly apologized for his actions, then Jai announced, "Ok, let's dance… March lieutenant! March!"

"Change first! Don't you dare turn that Armani suit into a sweat suit!"

* * *

Horatio came downstairs a few minutes after, and saw Jai standing near his Sound System. He pressed the NEXT button about four times, and then a dance track came out.

"It's called Samba, by bond, a string quartet. This is from their third album, _Classified. _Catchy, isn't it?" Jai asked. Horatio nodded in agreement, "Very…" Jai then pressed the CD CHANGE button, pressed the NEXT button and another "catchy" tune.

"This one is Fuego, also by bond… I would suggest playing Samba first, then use the first three tracks of this album, _Shine_. Also, don't be shy to be the first one to ask the birthday celebrant for a dance… Be brave! Be strong!" Jai said as he raised his hand, Horatio returning the high five.

"Now go upstairs, again, I think Kyan has a little something for you…"

* * *

Kyan smiled as Horatio walked in the bathroom, giving the straight guy a few friendly pats on the back. "Now Horatio, I removed some of your products… Notice that your medicine cabinet now has a lot of space!"

"Here's this new spray by Romence, it's called Midnight Caravan, a guaranteed hit on the ladies… Here's another one called Work Week. I noticed you use the Donovan line, but I wouldn't recommend it that much, since it doesn't leave a lasting impression. You can use this to scent up yourself as you work, I mean… You _have_ to smell good _all the time_…" Kyan then winked at Horatio.

"Hey! Send Horatio downstairs! We have a crime scene here!" Ted shouted.

* * *

"Jesus, I'm going to loose some weight running up and down like this." Horatio thought to himself as he saw Ted in his kitchen, excited to instruct him about the party provisions.

"All you have to do about the Fettuccini Alfredo is on this Post It note, which I will place right here in your refrigerator. I already used the simplest terms known to every straight guy to explain the fine process of making this fine dish…" Ted then sighed and said, "Please tell me you know how to cook the Fettuccini al dente."

"What is al dente?" Horatio asked.

Ted looked at him with horror. "Just kidding." Horatio said, smiling.

"Dear Lord! You almost gave me a heart attack!" Ted retaliated as he playfully punched Horatio's arm. "I would've killed you for that… Anyway, I think I'll just need to demonstrate how to make shakes, just be careful about the blender though -nice blender, by the way, the latest model!"

Ted then started to give the quickest course of shake making to Horatio. The lieutenant listened carefully, taking note of every small detail Ted presented. Horatio of course, did his share, such as getting the small umbrellas and bending straws, arranging them and then adding a little presentation.

"Nicely done Horatio! Additional points on the presentation! Now… Here's the moment of truth, the taste test… Da da da dum… Are you ready for this Horatio?" Ted asked as he raised his glass. Horatio also got his, and had a mock toast with Ted. "Cheers…" the two said in unison.

After drinking his share, Ted liked his lips and said, "Damn good shake here Horatio… A plus!" He put down his glass and then clapped his hands. Horatio simply smiled and muttered a thank you to the Food and Wine Connoisseur.

Suddenly, Ted raised a lecturing forefinger and said, "Always remember to put the lid on the blender… Put the lid on the blender… Repeat after me… Put the lid on the blender…"

"Put the lid on the blender…" Horatio repeated.

"Good! I know many straight guys who forgot to do it, and blam! Everything all gone! Use it as a mantra Horatio…"

"That I will do…" Horatio replied, his voice trying to reassure the connoisseur. Ted gave him a quick smirk, then called out the rest of the Fab Five, for their final reminders and their parting.

* * *

"Please be careful with the Armani suit… And accessorize! Thou shall not be afraid of tszujing!" Carson said as he received his melon shake.

"Don't forget the new fragrances I introduced! It's very, very nice on the ladies!" Kyan said with a wink as he sat down the sofa.

"Use some of the linens I showed to you a while back, to avoid any unwanted stains on your new diner set!" Thom followed as he reached for the linen sheets that were still packed.

"Put your feet into good use Horatio, don't be conscious about them…" Jai reminded him as he handed Horatio the CDs.

"And of course, put the lid on the blender, put the lid on the blender… Repeat after me…" Ted said as he posed into mediation.

"Put the lid on the blender… Put the lid on the blender…" the gentlemen said all together, then laughed in the end.

Horatio smiled as he took another sip of his shake. Perhaps now was the time to vocalize what he had in mind.

"I'd just like to thank you guys for giving me such a life changing experience… It's really nice actually, a break from the usual routine… Thanks for all these efforts…" Horatio then raised his glass to the Fab Five.

Kyan smiled and said, "It's all worth it Horatio… Trust us…"

"Good luck with tonight's festivities lieutenant!" Ted followed.

Horatio smiled. "Thanks…"

"Let's all get together now… Cheers queers!" Carson said as he raised his glass.

Thom pointed at Horatio and said, "Minus one!"

"Cheers!"

TBC

* * *

I really didn't mean that joke on Horatio about the top drawer (you know what that is…), we all know he's not that kind of fellow. winks bond (yes, it begins with a small "b"), is my favorite string quartet band. Those two tracks Jai mentioned are really catchy dance tunes! I could - (ok, won't spoil the next chapter now, right?) 


	8. Pre Party Preparations

**TITLE:** Queer Eye for the Miami Guy  
**AUTHOR:** wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126  
**SUMMARY:** Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!  
**RATING:** FRT, T  
**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.  
**A/N:** This chapter is extremely hard to write, especially with the scene changing to the Straight Guy to the Fab Five. When the whole sentence/paragraph is in _italics, _it means, that it's in the realm of the Fab Five. Otherwise, it's in Horatio's. Get it? (crosses both fingers)

* * *

_Queer Eye for the Miami Guy_

_Chapter Six: Pre-party preparations

* * *

_

_Ted started pouring red iced tea, as Kyan helped him arrange the glasses. The rest of the Fab Five went in, and sat at the sofa, facing the T.V. screen._

_Carson pouted as Ted handed him his drink. "And I wanted to have a melon shake…"_

_"We're out of melons" Ted simply replied as he and Kyan sat down. The T.V. screen lit up, showing Horatio pacing around his living room, obviously nervous. _

_"There's our lieutenant!" Jai said before taking a sip. _

"You can do this Horatio… You can do this…" Horatio thought to himself. He then went upstairs to his bathroom for his bath.

_Oh yeah, bath scene!" Carson said with excitement noticeable in his voice. His excitement then turned into a frown when Horatio firmly shut the door._

_Thom smirked and said, "No rear shots for you, mister…" Carson rubbed his temples and remarked, "This is clearly not my day…"_

_To everyone's delight, the next scene showed Horatio, in nothing more than a towel, applying his usual facial products. Kyan smiled and said, "Very nice… I can't believe he followed my advice to apply it gently, not roughly…"Ted then followed, "Yeah, I remember some of the straight guys in the past, who roughly shave, as if they're trying to remove their face!"_

_"Look! He's going to his room now!" Thom said as the camera followed Horatio to his room. _Horatio, however, tried his best to keep out the camera from the sanctuary of his room. The cameraman told Horatio that he should at least 'show some skin' for the show.

"'Show some skin'? Are you nuts?" Horatio angrily whispered.

"Ya' gotta do it man…" the cameraman told him. Horatio then unwillingly agreed, then sighed as he closed the door.

He then grabbed for his "work clothes", which were neatly folded but hidden in the depths of his cabinet. After a few minutes, the cameraman knocked again, and Horatio sighed as he opened the door.

_Carson gasped as he saw Horatio buttoning his shirt. "He found those old work clothes of his! I thought I hid those!" Thom snickered for a while then said, "Well, apparently, Horatio can find and hide anything if he wills it to!"_

Horatio then went downstairs to his new dining table, got the linens Thom bought him, and started preparing the table.

_"Nice one! A 90 on the subject of Table Preparations!" Thom said as Horatio straightened out the vases and put red roses in them. _After he was done, Horatio walked into the kitchen, got the Post It note on his refrigerator door, and…

_"Let's start cooking!" Ted declared. _

_The Fab Five observed as Horatio followed the instructions and proceeded to cooking. Ted clapped his hands as Horatio finished the Fettuccini Alfredo sauce. "Look at that creamy goodness…"Ted said while Horatio poured the sauce into a bowl. "Don't make me drool Ted!" Jai joked as he lightly pushed Ted. As Horatio was about to get the ice for the shake, the doorbell rang._

Horatio fixed himself as he went towards the door. Through the peephole, he saw two familiar faces; Eric Delko and Tim Speedle. He then mentally counted one to ten, as to not knock the living daylights out of them.

When the door opened, the two CSIs suddenly changed from merriment to awe.

"Holy… Horatio, is that you?" Eric asked.

_"Yes of course it's him… This one's in trouble…" Carson said as he pointed at Eric. "He did not recognize his boss immediately."_

Speed smiled as he patted Horatio's shoulder. "You look the same, but something tells me you have been changed…"

As he let the two in, Horatio smiled as he saw the jaw drops he witnessed. "Horatio, you now have one nice crib… _Very_ nice…" Speed remarked.

Eric followed the caravan of praise. "I like the new furniture Horatio… You picked these?"

Horatio simply shrugged and said, "Thom helped me out"

_"He's so modest… He did most of the decision making!" Thom said as Carson continued, "He has taste for furniture… I just wish he was the same with clothes…"_

Horatio then went back to the kitchen, got the fettuccini then placed it carefully on the table. Eric took this as a sign and said, "Uh, H, we'll just get the cake…"

The two left without Horatio giving the 'go' signal. The returned as quickly as they left, and in the same manner as Horatio's, placed the cake in the middle of the table.

"Looks delicious", Horatio said as the two muttered thanks and showed proud faces. "We almost _died_ in making that cake, so Calleigh better like it and appreciate it." Speed said. Eric snorted

_"Look at that cake! Looks like they're really making an effort for their friend…" Ted said. The rest of the Fab Five "Aww"ed in unison. Jai smiled at the trio and said, "I like it when straight guys make an effort for the best…"_

_Carson nodded in agreement. He did raise his hand afterwards and asked, "Did Horatio start to make the shakes?" Ted blinked for a few seconds and noticed Horatio disappearing back to his kitchen. "There he goes!"_

Horatio looked at them seriously and asked, "You did bring semi-formal clothes right?" Speed shrugged while Eric reassured his boss, "Yeah, it's still in the pick-up, we're gonna change after we set up the party decorations…" The lieutenant raised an eyebrow and repeated, "Party decorations?"

Speed brought out some of the party decorations then said, "Made by Eric's niece… She's only in third grade Horatio…"

"It's kinda… _Rushed_…" Eric followed sheepishly. "She almost spelled 'Calleigh' wrong… She went beyond the lines…" Speed pointed out. Eric looked at him and sarcastically remarked, "Thank you Speed for generously pointing those out… Uh, mind if you give us a quick tour H?" Horatio merely smiled and said, "No problem…"

_"He's really, really spiffy about the new changes, isn't he?" Jai asked. _

Eric and Speed admired the changes the Fab Five made to his home, as Horatio showed them around. "Nice bathroom H… We may not use this for a while…" Eric said. Speed followed, "Yeah, we have to hold it in…"

While the duo was decorating the dining area, Horatio concentrated in the sanctity of his kitchen. "Put the lid on the blender… Put the lid on the blender…" Horatio muttered to himself.

_"He's reciting the mantra I taught him! He's really nervous, isn't he?" Ted asked his friends. "But observe how he prepares the whole thing…" Kyan commented. _

He started extracting the flesh of the melon, exactly as Ted had instructed him. He followed each step carefully, silently praying that everything he was doing would turn out right.

_Ted smiled as he recognized the glasses Horatio was bringing out. "Oh! He's cleaning the Blue Raven glasses I bought for him…" He suddenly looked shocked as he yelled out, "I forgot to warn him!" Kyan raised his eyebrow as he asked why. "That those glasses are extremely expensive!"_

_Ted smirked as the rest of them just rolled their eyes. As if on cue, Horatio accidentally knocked one of the glasses. Ted gasped as he covered his eyes. Amazingly enough, Horatio caught the glass by his knees and let it roll safely on the floor. _

_The Fab Five suddenly went on bouts of cheering and clapping. "Nice footwork Horatio!" Jai said as he continued on clapping. Ted suddenly kneeled, started bowing and chanted, "All hail Horatio, Savior of Extremely Expensive Things!" The Fab Five followed the suit as Horatio whistled and muttered, "Close one…"_

_"An extremely close one!" Ted yelled out. "I thought I was gonna lose another one!"_

_"Oh, the one who broke the extremely expensive Martini shaker?" Carson asked. Ted nodded as an answer._

Eric walked into the kitchen, jaw slightly dropping as he saw Horatio arranging the glasses. "They really changed you a lot, didn't they?" he asked. Horatio smiled and said, "It's for pre-party preparations…"

"Pre-party preparations my ass…" Eric muttered. Horatio gave the young CSI a puzzled look. Eric smiled then said, "We know everything H… Every time you look at Calleigh, talk to her… Isn't it obvious?"

Horatio didn't look at Eric but replied, ""You tell me, you're the one who noticed."

"No… Because I'm not the only one who noticed… Speed, Valera… Almost everyone who works with us in the crime lab?" The lieutenant was now in a state of shock. It was _that_ noticeable? Damn, he had to do something about it.

Eric must've noticed Horatio's sudden realization, because he gave his boss a friendly pat, then whispered at him, "This is the best time to do it man… Or else you're gonna wait another three hundred and sixty four days, or until you die; which ever comes first." Eric grinned as he carried the glasses to the dining table.

Horatio stored the melon shake he had made in the refrigerator, so it would stay cold. "It was that obvious?" he asked himself before heading out to his dining room.

_"Everything's prepared!" Ted said excitedly. Thom covered his hand over mouth and as he pointed at the decorations. "Somebody call 911! We have a party emergency here!" Carson patted Thom's shoulder and said, "A grade school girl made those... Don't be harsh..."_

Speed stepped down from the stool, and saw Eric trying to avoid laughing at all costs. But Horatio said what he was thinking; "It's as if we're throwing a party for some grade school kid…" Speed retaliated by saying, "We need to go back a few years, to cherish what we have now…" Eric laughed out loud and said, "Is that your best Martha Stuart impression?"

He was about to retaliate with sarcasm, but his phone had cut him off. "Hello?"

"Really? Where are you?"

"Ok, I'll tell him…"

Horatio and Eric looked at him as he ended the conversation. Speed looked serious, then announced…

"H… It's time…"

_"It's time! everyone hold their breath!" Carson said as Thom followed, "But not that long!"_

_TBC_


	9. Surprises in Store

**TITLE:** Queer Eye for the Miami Guy  
**AUTHOR:** wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126  
**SUMMARY:** Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!  
**RATING:** FRT, T  
**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.  
**A/N:** Same as the Chapter 6, when the whole sentence/paragraph is in _italics, _it means, that it's in the realm of the Fab Five. Otherwise, it's in Horatio's. Get it? Thank you for the reviews! hugs all

* * *

_Queer Eye for the Miami Guy  
__Chapter Seven: Surprises in Store

* * *

_

"What do you mean 'It's time'?" Eric asked. Speed smacked his palm against his forehead and then sighed. "They're on their way here, you idiot… Meaning H here, should be marching his ass upstairs to fix himself… _Comprendo?_" Eric smirked and said, "Well, you shouldn't have been _that_ melodramatic… You're a bad mix of Donald Trump and Regis Philbin…"

Sensing another childish fight was about to happen, Horatio interrupted the two, asking, "Shouldn't you change as well?" The fighting duo looked at their boss, mumbled words of agreement, and then headed once again to the pick-up to get their clothes. As Horatio turned around, the two continued on their "small" argument.

* * *

_Back in the lounge, Thom laughed as the two started to battle it out. "Those two look like they're a bunch of pre-school kids!" Kyan nodded in agreement, "They need our help!" Carson smiled and said, "Oh, I'd be more than willing to help those two!"_

_"Aww, look at Horatio… He's so nervous about the whole thing!" Jai cooed as the camera was now focused on the nervous lieutenant, marching to his room in order to prepare for the party. Horatio paced around his room for a few minutes before he finally took the notion to stay put and apply his facial products._

_"Very nice… You know, Horatio knows a lot about his skin… I like the way he applies those facial products!" Kyan said as Horatio finished and was now wiping his hands with a towel. "It's kinda surprising to see a guy who knows how to take care of his face…" Carson said, obviously pondering on Horatio. Kyan shook his head and said, "I think Horatio knows he has sensitive skin…"Thom raised an eyebrow then asked, "The fact that this guy ACTUALLY knows that he has sensitive skin… Are we sure he is straight, people?"_

_Horatio then brought out the Armani suit that was still in a protective plastic cover. The Fab Five suddenly started hooting when Horatio dropped his present pants and then changed to the Armani tailored ones. "Look at that ass! Look at it!" Thom yelled out. "Sometimes, those clothes he wears shows that he is somehow ashamed of them…" Carson commented. Jai protested, "Well, he shouldn't be! Wear jeans! Anything to accent the asset!" Kyan sighed and said, "He sure looks good in Carter underwear…"

* * *

_

Meanwhile, outside Horatio's bathroom, Eric was tapping his foot impatiently, as he looked at his watch. He was about to knock for the tenth time, when the door opened and Speed walked out, his clothes neatly folded and cradled in his arm. "It took you ten minutes to change?" Eric asked as he stepped in. "Well, did it ever occur to you that we men also need time to change?" Speed said as he adjusted his tie.

"Well, I can do it in five minute tops!" Eric replied as he closed the door.

* * *

_They swooned yet again as Horatio changed to the crisp white shirt. "Wow wee… Ass, abs, attitude… This guy's got it all!" Ted said, laughing afterwards. "I am hyperventilating here!" Caron shouted as Horatio, in a semi-closed white shirt, opened up the jewelry box. Sighing, he donned on the necklace, and then continued on fixing himself. Carson began fanning himself, repeatedly saying "Oh my God… Oh my God…He's so hot right now!"_

_Horatio fixed himself as he reached for the Midnight Caravan perfume, sprayed some of it in the air, and walked casually out his room. Kyan gave a thumbs up to Horatio and said, "Nice, the spray and walk technique…"Then, in perfect timing, the doorbell rang as Horatio closed the door._

_"They're here!" Jai yelled.

* * *

_

Speed fixed his tie, before heading out the door. Eric stood meters between the stairs and the door, straightening up himself. Speed then opened the door…

"_And the birthday girl is here!" Carson announced as Calleigh walked in, with Alexx Woods, Yelina Salas and John Hagen followed behind her. "Surprise!" Eric and Speed yelled out._

_Carson whistled as the camera focused on Calleigh, dressed in a black dress with mid thigh slit. The upper half of her long, blonde hair was twisted and twirled, forming a flower like structure. "She's so beautiful… No wonder Horatio-" _

_Ted and Kyan eyed Carson evilly, as Carson muttered, "Horatio… Enjoys working in crime scenes… Beautiful people make everything around them beautiful! Isn't that right Thom?"_

_Thom nodded in agreement, while behind him, Carson looked at Ted and Kyan apologetically, then focused his attention back at the screen.

* * *

_

"Wow… Are we really in Horatio's home?" Calleigh asked, awestruck. Alexx smiled and said, "They've really done a lot to this place…"

Eric waved his hands in the air and asked, "Aren't we supposed to greet the birthday girl first?"

* * *

_"That's right people! Where are your manners!" Jai asked as the ones present in Horatio's home laughed, then started greeting Calleigh._

_"Where is Horatio?" Hagen asked. Carson was about to release another remark, when Kyan suddenly interjected, "It's supposed to be a surprise, idiot!" Carson managed to lock on Ted's attention as he shrugged his shoulders in reply to Kyan's statement. "Hey, is it me, or is Horatio spending a lot of time upstairs?" Jai asked._

_The reply came when the screen showed Horatio, pacing slightly faster than earlier. "He's really, really, nervous about this whole thing! I wonder why…" Thom said. Carson bit his tongue, Ted sipped his iced tea and Kyan started fixing his hair, just to control themselves from blabbing what they knew._

_Thom took it another way, as he asked, "Jai, we must help Horatio by channeling to our selves his nervousness… Isn't that right Jai?" In reply, Jai made the sign of the cross, then crossed his fingers._

Horatio breathed in, then out. "Well, this is it…" he said to himself.

* * *

Alexx gasped, Eric and Speed whistled, and when Calleigh turned around to look, she stared eyes wide open, then covering her mouth in awe. Horatio descended with grace, then walked towards Calleigh.

"Happy birthday, Calleigh…" Horatio whispered, as he gave Calleigh a warm, welcoming hug.

(At that point, invisible sparks were flying in the room, both the good and the bad.)

Horatio noticed that the attention wasn't given to the proper person, or celebrant for the matter.

Speed seemed to read Horatio's thoughts, as he said out loud, "Well, I'm sure we are all grateful to the Fab Five for the changes made to our favorite Miami Lieutenant… But now, is the time… TO PARTY!"

Eric then danced his way to the center stage, or in this case, gently shoved Speed off his place. "Now, if you please follow me to the new living room so that we can start this whole shindig. And please drop your gifts on the really nice coffee table"

_"These two really have prepared a lot for these party, yes?" Carson asked.

* * *

_

They all followed the orders, but two of them preferred to stay slightly behind.

"Surprised?" Horatio asked. He held Calleigh's hand for quite a long time now, but she didn't seem to mind. Calleigh smiled and said, "I'll admit it… Yes… But I wonder…"

She let go of his hand then asked, "What would I call you now? You're not exactly _handsome_ any more…" Horatio raised a questioning eyebrow. Calleigh giggled, then leaned to him. She whispered seductively… "Because you're now far from handsome…"

She then quickly fixed his uneven collar, then walked to the living room.

Horatio swore to himself, and secretly wished that men had the ability to control their blushing.

* * *

He followed Calleigh, and saw the guests admiring the changes in his home. Horatio tried to answer their questions, but thankfully, when Yeliina had placed her gift, she asked out loud, "Where are the other gifts?"

As it turned out, the there were only three gifts present in the coffee table.

"Eric, where's my gift?" Speed asked. "I thought _you _placed it there?" Eric replied.

"No, I brought out the cake. You were the one who was supposed to get the gifts…"

"_I_ brought out the… Err, decorations… _You _were the one who was_ supposed_ to get the gift!"

"You can't blame this on me!"

_"There's gonna be another catfight!" Thom said, mimicking an announcer's accent._

"Oh yes I can!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah, cause I brought the cake to the pick-up while _you _were supposed to bring the gifts!"

Speed was about to answer with a clever comeback, when he suddenly had the epiphany; he _did_ forget to bring the gifts.

"Oops…"

Eric sighed, as he dug for his keys in his pocket, and said, "Let's just get the gifts all right? I mean, it's ok, we're not very far from Horatio's…"

Speed then bowed and said, "We're gonna come back… Meanwhile, we give the imaginary mic to Horatio… You can do it H! Entertain them while we're away…"

With that, the duo left, their bickering heard until the front door slammed shut.

* * *

_"Those two badly need our help!" Thom laughed, as he commented. _

_"Oh boy…" Ted said as all eyes were now focused on Horatio. "You can do it!" Carson cheered. Jai followed, "Go, Horatio!"_

_"Say something!" Kyan said with accompanied worry, as Horatio just stood there…_

_TBC_


	10. 7point5 Prepaid Plans

**TITLE:** Queer Eye for the Miami Guy

**AUTHOR:** wyntersun a.k.a csimiamie126

**SUMMARY:** Horatio Caine faces his greatest challenge yet; getting the makeover from the Fab Five!

**RATING:** FRT, T

**DISCLAIMER:** I do not own CSI: Miami, it's characters, nor do I own Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. CSI is owned by CBS and Jerry B, while Queer Eye is owned by Bravo Network. I do own the plot and generally all the craziness in this fic.

**A/N: **Okay, since phone conversation is involved, italics mean that it's Hagen or Yelina talking in the parenthesis. It all depends on who is making the prank call. :-)

_Queer Eye for the Miami Guy_

_Chapter Seven(point)Five: Prepaid Plans_

Eric Delko fumbled with his keys, half-nervous, half-satisfied with what they were about to do. Tim Speedle, on the other hand, seemed to show no emotion about the plan. They were on their way to the marina, which to them, seemed to be the perfect place to make the prank calls, then dispose of the evidence afterwards.

"Relax Speed!" Eric said, breaking the silence between them. Speed merely snorted in reply. "Yeah right. If Yelina is about to kill me, I'm dragging your ass in this too." Eric laughed, then said, "Well, good luck with that. As for me, I have a Hagen to deal with." Speed shrugged as he rolled his window down, feeling the inviting air of Miami that night. "You know, I think we deserve Emmys or Oscars for our little 'role play' back there…" Speed said, out of the blue.

"Well, it's kinda natural that we have endless, childish bickering… They're used to it."

Speed reached out for his gift, which was of course, hidden inside the pick up all that time. It took all the years of acting (which mostly compromised with him being the 'lead tree' in plays) to pull the stuff. Due to physical forces, all the plushies were now disarranged. He was about to open the box when he smirked to himself on the plushies were placed.

Thanks to centripetal force and gravity, the Alexx plushie was lying down the base of the box, the Horatio and Calleigh plushies were leaning on each other, and (to his surprise) the Speed and Eric plushies were now in a position, which almost resembled death.

"Hey Eric…" he said as they made it near to the marina. "Look at these… Pay attention to our positions…" Eric did as he was told, as he also smirked. "Familiar?" Speed asked.

"Yeah…" Eric said as he pulled over to the side. "I've seen those a lot… More specifically, in crime scenes…"

Speed sighed before he got down the pick-up. "I think it's a warning… It's as if it's telling us our asses are gonna get whopped in within twenty-four hours…"

Eric sighed as he waited for Speed. He brought two pairs of latex gloves to the scene, gave the other pair to Eric, smiling smugly. "Can't be too careful. Just in case they over react, have an investigation, and have us dust our own prints."

"Do you really think they'll go gaga over a bunch of prank phone calls?" Eric asked.

"I did say _just in case_." Speed replied.

Eric made a quick sign of the cross as he started dialing Hagen's number. He coughed a few times, then raised a silencing finger, a signal for Speed to make his best effort to be silent.

_"Hello?"_

Eric then threw off his voice, which to Speed, sounded a very, very bad imitation of Paris Hilton.

"Hello? Please… Help me…"

_"Who is this?"_

"Oh please help me…"

_"Who are you?"_

"Please… My dog… He's drowning!"

Speed was now trying to sustain his laugh. The conversation was now sounding very Paris Hilton-ish.

_"Ma'am, you should call 911 instead…"_

"Oh please… My nephew's drowning!" Eric then moved the phone a few inches away, then yelled, "Nicky! Swim back here! Please!"

"Nicky?" Speed mouthed. Eric shrugged.

"Please hurry! Oh my God! Nicky!"

"Auntieeeeeeeeee!" Speed yelled in a high pitch.

With that, Eric pressed the End button. "Thanks" he said as Speed was shaking his head. "You call that _prank calling?"_

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it then!" Eric challenged him.

Speed then dialed Yelina's number then cleared his throat a few times.

_"Hello?"_

"Hello…" Speed's voice was shaky, which sort of sounded like Eric's grandmother.

_"Yes?"_

"My cat… Please…"

_"Excuse me?"_

"My cat… It went up the tree again… Please help me…"

_"Ma'am… Maybe-"_

"Oh please help me… My cat… He's… He's…"

Speed started making coughing noises, then suddenly sounded as if he was having a heart attack. Then he abruptly dropped the phone.

_"Hello? Hello?"_

He then picked it up then pressed END.

"I feel that you have just insulted my prank calling skills." Eric said when Speed was showing his triumphant smirk. Speed smiled and said in his Obi-Wan Kenobi voice, "That, young padawan, is the classic 'old lady, cat stuck in the tree' technique… You have a lot to learn…"

"Whatever… Ready to dispose of the evidence?" Eric asked as he shook the phone in his hand.

"On three?" Speed returned a question.

Eric then started the countdown.

"Three!" the two yelled at the same time, followed by threw the ceremonial disposal of phones into the dark depths of the Miami waters.

The duo returned to the pick-up, removing their gloves and fixing themselves on the way.

A few blocks from Horatio's place, the two were trying their best to act as if nothing happened. Or to be more specific, they just went to Eric's house and picked up the gifts. Traffic could be easily used as an excuse.

"No offense… But I don't think this was a certified 'mission accomplished'…" Speed said. Eric sighed and was about to agree, when at that moment, they saw Hagen's Tercel speeding on the other lane. Inside, Hagen looked frustrated, and in the passenger seat was Yelina, looking equally frustrated as well.

Eric smiled to himself and said, "I don't think so my friend… I don't think so…"

_TBC_

_Ok, as for the Hagen's Tercel thing? I based it in my fic Horatio's Hummer. Thanks for the reviews! Oh, and this is an in- between chapter. I actually have two excuses; a) I'm sprucing up Chapter 8 and b) I want to emphasize on the participation of our two CSIs on the H/C ship. I will post the next part soon! I promise!_


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